Posted by: fringe62 | May 8, 2011

Hen Pecked?

“A cool summer night – perfect for a short jaunt to Columbus (OH)”  I thought as I finished putting clean clothes, food, water and my dog Duke into my newly cleaned truck and headed over to the lot to hook-up to my trailer.  It was going to be a ‘windows wide open, radio blasting kind of driving night’.

It had been a short but relaxing weekend at home.  Usually I was loaded with some kind of perishable that needed babysitting in case the reefer (refrigerated) unit shut off.  This meant several trips a day down to the parking lot where I kept my trailer to make sure the unit was still running.  There were kids in the neighborhood that might think it was funny to start pushing buttons on the front of the unit.  Unfortunately there was no way to lock up those buttons and keep people from messing with the temperature in the trailer.

It was about 8pm and I was leaving in plenty of time for the ten hour drive to my 9am appt. as I eased my rig up the ramp onto I80 westbound.  From my exit for about 20 miles it was a slow but constant upgrade.  Being fully loaded meant it took awhile to get up to speed as I shifted thru all 13 gears.  There wasn’t much traffic on my side of the highway but I noticed that the “Hunts Point 500” was in full swing on the Eastbound side of the highway.  This is what the nearly constant flow of tractor-trailers on I80 headed to NYC and points East was called, especially on a Sunday night.

Duke was sitting in the jump seat and scratched on the window.  “Okay buddy,” I said.  “Opening the window for you.”  It could be 100 degrees or below 0 and he always had to have the wind in his face.  I didn’t mind it tonight.  There was a clear sky and very little traffic going West.  I turned up the music on the radio and Duke and I sang along with the country station for the next 45 minutes while we climbed the mountains through central Pennsylvania.

After finally reaching cruising speed I turned on the CB radio to listen to what was going on.  “Hey Eastbound.  How about a bear report” I asked.

Another driver answered back, “Westbound, you’re clear.  I haven’t seen anything since the Buckeye (OH)”.

“Thanks Eastbound.  You’re good back to the 210 where I jumped on” I replied.

“Hey babydoll.  Where you headed?” came another male voice on the CB.

I jokingly replied, “Driver, my age doesn’t qualify me as a baby anymore and I quit playing with dolls a long, long time ago”.  That got a chuckle and a few comments out of several other drivers.

“Well, maybe you should be home taking care of your babies instead of out here playing big rig driver”.

“Oh brother” I thought “here we go”.  What had started out as a wonderful evening was starting to turn a bit ugly.

“Driver, I don’t have any babies to take care of.  I just take care of myself and that’s more than enough” I said.

“Well, no wonder you don’t have babies.  You probably don’t have a husband either!  Who’d want their wife driving around playing big rigger when they should be home cooking and pregnant” he retorted.  “I’ll be damned if my wife would be out here driving around.  Maybe you’re too ugly to keep a husband.  Maybe you’re one of them dyke’s.  Man, guys have you ever seen one of them women?  I mean they could put some of us men to shame” he continued.

I tried to make a joke and laugh it off.  “Driver, are you so hen-pecked at home that you’ve got to come out here and harass the first woman you hear on the radio?  Must have been my lucky night”

“Babydoll, maybe you just need a real man to keep you home and satisfied.  Know what I mean guys?”

“Driver” I said, “why don’t you pull your little truck over somewhere and see if you have the balls to say all that crap to my face”.

“Well, miss big-rigger” he said, “if you think you can catch me in your little 55mph company truck then get on up here.  I got more than enough balls for you”.  That, was the last straw.

I downshifted and put the hammer down.  I started passing trucks on the straightaway’s.  “Buddy, if she’s in that beautiful black-cherry, truck that just blew my driver door off, you are in BIG trouble” a guy said on the radio from a few trucks back.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve got to worry about it much”  the first driver said.  “Tell ya what missy, I’ll be pulling off at the truckstops at Exit 78 in Brookville.  If you even remotely catch me by then we’ll have a chat”.

“Not a problem driver, I just passed the 150.  Where are you at?” I said.

“You’ve got miles to catch  me” he said as he laughed.

I looked down at the speedometer and asked again for a bear report from the eastbound traffic.  The coast was clear… so far.  If there were any bears listening in on the conversation I was in trouble.  At the speed I was going, I’d probably be hauled off to jail if I was pulled over.  The radio was buzzing with talk about whether I was going to catch the asshole and whether he’d have the guts to have the same type of conversation to my face when I did.  The general consensus was that even though I was not built at all like the idiot thought I was, that he was going to be in for a good ass-whuppin’.

The other driver kept up his barrage of comments about what exactly he’d like to do to me when I finally caught up to him.  None of it is worth repeating.  Needless to say most of it involved a sexual act of some kind and what he thought he might be able to teach me as obviously since I didn’t have a man at home I needed some lessons.  He thought he was the perfect man to take care of that task.  According to him it would be an ugly task but he was willing to take it on the chin for all the drivers out there.  He was sure I was so fat and ugly that it would be quite unpleasant for him.

It was obvious that I was catching him.  His radio was sounding louder and I could tell by several comments from other drivers that I must be close.  He was still rambling on and suddenly told me that he was just coming up on Exit 78 for the truckstops.  “Imagine that”, I said, “I just passed the 1 mile to Exit 78 exit sign.  So where are you planning to park?”.

Silence.

“How about it driver?  Which truckstop are you going to park at?”  I asked, since there were 3 truckstops at that exit.

Silence.

I started gearing down and with the Jake brake rumbling pulled off the highway onto the exit ramp.  Duke jumped up in his seat thinking we were going to stop.  “I’m coming down the ramp driver.  Which way did you turn” I said again as I noticed several trucks pulling off the highway behind me.  Anybody that had the time to stop wanted to see the show if the guy did have the guts to tell me which truckstop he was parking at.

Silence.

I came to a stop at the bottom of the ramp.  “Which way driver?”  I asked again.

Again no answer.

“I’ll bet I passed your ass several miles back and you got scared ’cause I actually caught you.  God forbid you might be seen saying ‘yes ma’am’ or maybe ‘sorry ma’am’ to a little lady that could probably whup your dumb, fat ass.  Well, you know what.  If nothing else, we all now KNOW that you’re henpecked, have no balls and can’t back up one damn word of what you’ve been rambling on about for the last hour or so.  I’ve got to be in Columbus in the morning and the best part of all of this is that everyone now gets a good laugh at your expense and I’m going to be super early for my appt. so I’ll have time for a nap in the morning.  Goodnight asshole”.

There was much laughing and joking and talking about how everyone wanted to see the idiot get his ass whupped.  I noticed as I crossed the road and pulled back onto the interstate that most of the trucks that had followed me off were now following me back on.  And that guy?

Silence.

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